All girls over the age of 18 and weighing under 125 lbs would wear bikini jeans at all times. The only allowed exception would be complete and utter nakedness.

Rihanna would only speak to Chris Brown indirectly in court after beating her senseless.

Kate Beckinsale would be knighted.

Lindsay Lohan would stop pretending to be a lesbian, stop doing coke, and show up for work on time and well-rested. In turn, Olympic gymnast Shawn Johnson would become a lesbian because men can’t seem to behave themselves in her presence.

Hayden Panettiere would fondle herself on live television during halftime of every NFL football game.

Rileah Vanderbilt would be a household name.

Hot Hot Hot Megan Fox would put her hotness to the ultimate test and attempt to steal Brad Pitt from aging vixen Angelina Jolie.

The 2009 Playboy Playmate of the Year would be Sandra Nilsson.

Amanda Bynes would quit stalling and just get naked already. Get naked Amanda Bynes. You know you want to, Amanda.